If you work from home, go home for lunch, or go to a café each day for lunch, you are one of the fortunate and blessed ones who do not have to withstand the most irritating aspect of working in an office or staffroom and having to put up with people eating their lunch.at their desks.
One of the worst types of lunch takers are in fact those who have nothing at all. That's fine, their choice. BUT. Instead of eating they talk. They talk about why they're not having lunch, what they would have had if they were not so determined to lose about a stone, then they proceed to comment on other people's lunches. This is particularly galling, especially when they take the moral high ground. One non-luncher takes it upon herself to point out the calorific value of what people are eating. It goes something like this. 'You might be surprised to learn that even in a Muller light yogurt there are 99 calories, which, if you think about it, is almost 2 weightwatchers points. If you're on 19 points a day like I am then that leaves only 17 points for the rest of the day. What's that I see Sue? Cake? Well you enjoy it, though you might find you'll feel tired this afternoon as the sugar rush crashes. Salad for you tonight, I'll bet! Oh and is that bread, Phil? Naughty, naughty! Rather too much you've got there if you don't mind my saying. It bloats you, you know and as it's white bread there's not much nutritional value in it. It is tempting though - I should know. When I was pregnant with my first, all I wanted was doorstep like slices of white bread lathered in butter. Do you know, I'm making myself hungry now just thinking about it. In fact, I might just nip out to the shop and buy a Mars bar, They're much smaller now, you know. And even if I am using up 4 points, it will be worth it.' As she leaves, the relief is palpable.
The quinoa eater is clearly out to impress. This luncher is restrained, worships at the alter of self-denial and tells us how her husband made it for her. Her perfect husband and perfect children are mentioned often. They don't believe in shouting, they discuss matters at pre-arranged family meetings. I couldn't have been happier when someone enquired, albeit tongue in cheek, how Ezra's cello lessons were going, only to discover that he would not be progressing with that instrument after a 'hiccup' at grade 6. A little more digging revealed that he had failed the exam. 'We don't mention the world failure in our home.' Nor, apparently do they mention sugar, ever, at all. 'We have quite simply turned it into an offensive word.'
The yogurt pot scraper is highly irritating. Every little last bit - the spoon scraping on the plastic in a bid to capture every tiny scrap remaining. It is yogurt, not gold dust! I think I'd rather have the dripping tap torture than the yogurt pot scraping torture.
Since we installed a microwave, staff have been bringing all manner of foods for lunch. Perhaps the worst of these is the left over curry eater. The smell lingers easily until the next day. Tuna hangs round too - and is unfortunately eaten by at least two people each lunchtime. Tuna bake, tuna toastie even, as we now have also acquired a toaster. Nobody has owned up to putting the tuna in the bread then into the toaster as yet, but I strongly suspect someone This person ranted just a little too long to be innocent of the crime.
One very slim and active guy buys chips for lunch - every day. He has his own bottle of vinegar in his filing cabinet. The comments, daily, are almost identical. It seems that anyone eating chips must be commented upon. 'I don't know how you get away with it, You don't know how lucky you are. Having some chips with your vinegar are you? Ooh, they smell lovely! I only have to look at a chip and I put on half a stone.'
Most people bring their lunch in a plastic box. Some use tin foil. Others just use some sort of grease proof paper. The immediate post-lunch activities are also irritating, as well as the declarations people seem to feel obliged to make. 'If that was lunch, I've had it' is one such. Dramatic screwing up of paper, tin foil, whatever it is, is often followed by a shot at the bin; a shot which, nine times out of ten, misses, and is followed by a groan. The plastic box lunchers seem to spend a disproportionate length of time fitting back the lids, clicking all four corners back into place - a sound almost as irritating as the yogurt pot scraper.
By far the majority of these people are good, intelligent people who care about education and helping those in our classes to achieve their full potential. They work hard and they also care about their colleagues, showing sensitivity and awareness. Just not at lunchtime.
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