What is a 'good mother'?

We hear it all the time. 'Oh yes, she is a really good mother'. Listeners nod sagely in agreement, but what I would like to clarify is this - what do we really mean by a good mother?

So, is a good mother a woman who puts her children before everything else? Or is she a woman who has a job, employs a childminder, and heads off to the workplace daily, firm in her view that she will be a better mother if she has a job she enjoys and which giver her a sense of her worth?

Some women have a strong desire to be with their children all the time, often fearing that outside influences will corrupt them in some way. Daily there is baking, painting, craftwork, drawing and on and on. On reaching school age, what does this mother do? Well, she home schools them, of course. I don't like to mention social class or be classist in any way, but sometimes, it is the only way. Now I've excused myself for mentioning social class, it is the case that it is usually middle class women who home school. It's possible they do this because they wish to retain control. I suppose it is also possible that some educated women, usually middle class, feel that they can educate their children better than a school can, where their particular child may get lost in a class of 30+.

Is this the woman who is a good mother? The one who has sacrificed her own life and says things like, 'There's nothing more important than our children.' The middle class though are not the only ones who consider their children their most precious 'possessions' - the working class would also put their children as top priority. But, in my view admirably, the working class just get on with bringing up children, they don't make an art form out of it, and if they tell them to stop 'mithering' and to get out of their way, it does not mean that these parents love them any the less. It also does not mean that they are bad mothers.

What concerns me about some mothers, is that they behave as if they are the ones with all the answers, they have the indisputable rule book. written by themselves and so millennia of childrearing is thus rendered useless.

Some mothers see their children as a reflection on themselves, thus a narcissistic element is present. The attempt at total control though will certainly fail. Good mother or bad mother, whatever is your view, children become independent people and will develop their own views, whatever mummy and daddy say.

So what is a good mother then? I would suggest that a good mother is one who allows her child to feel bored sometimes, who does not give her undivided attention to the child, who makes the child realise that the world does not revolve around him/her, which is as good a lesson as anyone can have. I see many mothers reasoning with their child as to why some action the child has committed is not ideal, even when it involves whacking someone else. Asking the child what it was that made them do that? Were they feeling angry? Why was that? Dear God! Sometimes things are simply wrong and a child should be told so without delving into their current mental state.

Might I add that those who sacrifice their lives for their children may well regret it later. Someone who I know had 3 daughters upon whom she doted. She was a deputy head teacher, gave it up on the birth of child number 1 and decided to bring to the child all she knew. The next 2 were born which only inflamed her wish to be all things to her offspring. When they spoke, often interrupting adult conversation, they were immediately the top priority. What happened to, 'Shush, I'm talking.'

Thirty tears on and the 2 older children are abroad, and nor do they speak to their mother. It is heartbreaking to witness her pain at the loss. The youngest one is still at home, until September. She is a recovering drug addict and funded her habit by prostitution. That is not to say that such tragedy happens in all families where the children rule the roost, but it is a warning.