We're trying for a boy, we're trying for a girl.

In the town centre the other day, I bumped into an ex-neighbour. I hadn't seen her for five years, in fact since she'd moved from our street. She had a one year old daughter when she moved and when I saw her in town she had a toddler in a pushchair and she was also pregnant. 'Ooh,' I said, 'Number three on the way. You're going to have your hands full.'
'Well,' she began, 'we only wanted two, but when this one (pointing to the toddler in the pushchair) wasn't a boy, we thought we'd better try again. God knows what we'll do if this one is another girl.' We had a bit more chat then parted ways.

On the way back to my car I became aware of how quickly I was walking. In my head I was going over the conversation I'd just had and realised why I felt so pent-up. What the hell did she mean, 'When this one wasn't a boy,' and 'God knows what we'll do if this one's another girl.' This wasn't the wrong bus, an unsatisfactory restaurant or a too familiar ending to a film. This was a child, a human being that had been created,  but who, according to her, was the 'wrong' gender. That poor child! Her name was Ellie and she was about two years old. Children of that age can understand a good deal more of  the spoken word than they can verbalise. Even if she didn't understand the actual words, she could no doubt pick up on the tone and the nuances of her mother's words and recognise, in her developing brain, that it wasn't good news for her.  

What was it she'd said about her developing third child? Oh yes, those sweet maternal words, 'God knows what we'll do if this one's another girl.'

I have a few friends who have not been able to have children. One of them has tried IVF but each time the process has failed. Many people believe that IVF is what you do if you can't have a child naturally. It costs a bit but it will be worth it in the end. Some days it seems as if IVF children are born every minute, so frequently do they appear in good news stories. But that's not the case and the number of infertile people who have had their hopes dashed are far more numerous than those who are successful. What, I wonder, would their reaction be to my neighbour's attitude towards the horror of the possibility that her third pregnancy might result in a girl.

Of course, there are people who have two boys and once they have got over that terrible tragedy, 'keep trying' for a girl. What if they 'keep trying' and after five boys or five girls the horror continues and still a child of the 'right' sex doesn't show up?

What effect does this desire to have a particular sex have on the children of the 'wrong' gender who stumble, undesired into a resentful family?  Do they receive the love they have an absolute  birthright to?

It seems to me that when you decide to have a baby, then another, and maybe even another, you love what you get. There is wrongness in representing families in adverts as the perfect four; shiny beautiful, smiley mum, handsome, tall, fixing something dad, pretty, younger of two children female child helping mum bake and older brother coming into the kitchen carrying a football and sporting muddy knees.

A friend of mine who is witty, kind and very stylish, has four boys. Each one is delightful although they are very different. Shortly after her youngest, Patrick, was born, I was at her house doing my bit to help her. Another friend called in and asked my friend in tones of great concern, as if my friend had just been diagnosed with a serious illness, whether she was OK with having had Patrick. 'What do you mean,' asked my friend, who was breast feeding little Patrick, with his mop of curly dark hair. 'Well, you know, I thought that with Sue, (another friend) having just had a girl, it might have put the tin lid on it for you having had another boy when you already have three boys.'
What exactly was my friend supposed to do with Patrick then, according to this woman?

My friend, still feeding baby Patrick and also stroking the head of her two year old who sat next to her, just said, 'I adore this baby. I got lucky because this little sweetheart sleeps through the night too. Bliss.'  No more needed to be said.